Goldilocks and the Three Bears- Nothing in your life will ever be ‘just right’. You can either accept a lifetime of mediocrity or continue to torture yourself by obsessing over how everyone else seems to have it all.

Love You Forever- Your parents will eventually die, and you were a terrible, thankless child who never deserved their unconditional love. You will pass that terrible burden down to your own thankless children and continue the cycle of emotional trauma.

Charlotte’s Web- Did every spider you’ve ever murdered have a family? Friends? Dependants??! Have you wiped out countless generations of loving parents and children just to satiate your phobia-driven bloodlust? You’re a monster. You’ll hear the screams of their ghosts at night when you’re trying to sleep! It’s all you deserve.

The Lorax- Remember that super cute, fast fashion top you bought from H&M last month? That top is the reason the rainforests are dying. You care, but aren’t in the right tax bracket to change your cheap, tree-killing ways. That reminds you- can you make rent this month?

The Little Engine That Could- Even if ‘you think you can’ accomplish your dreams, it’s going to be an uphill struggle the entire time. Might as well give up now and save yourself the pain.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar- The shame of eating one piece of chocolate cake, one ice-cream cone, one pickle, one slice of Swiss cheese, one slice of salami, one lollipop, one piece of cherry pie, one sausage, one cupcake, and one slice of watermelon reminds you that you are a stress eater with zero impulse control- although, maybe this time, food will be the answer.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory- Even if all your dreams seemingly come true, chances are people you know will be hurt in the process. Are you really willing to accept the golden ticket with that knowledge?

Paperbag Princess- Even if you do manage to find a prince, you will end up alone as soon as he gets to know the “real you”.

Wizard of Oz- You are a heartless, brainless, scaredy cat who can never go home, according to your parents after you couldn’t find work, were drowning in student debt, and asked to move back in with them.

Winnie the Pooh- You’re definitely the Eeyore of your friend group, and everyone just feels too badly to tell you. You’re so used to them forgetting to invite you out, that when they do, you straight up thank them for noticing you still exist. How sad is that?

The Giving Tree- You are a selfish, terrible person who gives nothing to the world, and only takes, takes, takes, contributing directly to the destruction of forests and the climate crisis.

The Cat in the Hat- There’s no point in getting a furry companion, since cats just cause messes they don’t take responsibility for and you will be stuck cleaning up after them until they inevitably die. Aside: fish are judgemental assholes, so don’t even think about getting one of those instead.

Goodnight Moon- You will never say goodnight to anything, thanks to your insomnia.

Alice in Wonderland- Drugs are the answer! If only you weren’t always late to everything- like your therapy appointments. That’s why your psychiatrist dumped you, and now you have to try to drown your sorrows in tea. It will never be as good.

Co-written with Clare Blackwood.

As seen on Weekly Humorist.